Many of you will have no clue why I copied a post from DC Comics Message boards here. For those that do...you may find Mike Stemmle's rants about Our Worlds At War amusing, if not totally accurate. I've bitched about Our Worlds At War for several weeks now...so you can see why I agree with him:
Topic:ΚΚ Lessons Learned from OWAW...
(posted August 23, 2001 02:09 AM)
Well, with OWAW all but over save for the Slam-Dunk "Let's Grieve For Our Fallen Comrades/Explain What The Heck The Whole Story Was About" issue, now might be a good time to reflect on some lessons we've all learned during this summer's annual epic/bloodbath/faceplant...
1) I've learned not to trust any hype that suggests a summer crossover is going to inflict "Crisis Level" changes on the DCU. Tragically, this is the same lesson I've learned nearly every summer for the past fifteen years.
2) I hope that somewhere in the ranks of DC's editorial department, they've learned that it's a really good idea to have *one* writer responsible for the "spine" of your summer mega-crossover. Four writers = inconsistant characterization, people and plot threads disappearing and reappearing with no rhyme or reason, and plot holes you could drive the Imperial Fleet through.
3) The Superman staffs learned to kiss Phil Jimenez's butt. On the weeks when Wonder Woman crossed over into this lumbering mess, Phil almost single-handedly managed to make sense of the whole thing. Almost.
4) I learned that when the chips are down, Superman will start whining to himself like a lost puppy. In contrast, Wonder Woman don't shiv, even with the burned flesh of her recently-killed mother drying on her arms. Don't let anyone tell you that Superman was the focus of this "story"; Wonder Woman was the one who came through this like a trooper.
5) I learned that the Beginning of Time is slowly but surely becoming an EPA Superfund candidate. Imperiex, B13, the Anti-Monitor, the Spectre, Damage, the Infinity Man...it's a regular rave, I tells ya.
6) Frank Rock learned that in addition to the power to look twenty years younger than he really is, he also has the magical ability to completely disappear from a story.
7) Captain Marvel and Captain Atom discovered that they are near-mutes who share in Rock's magical ability to disappear from a story.
8) Apparently, Tempest learned how to shuttle entire mythical cities through dimensional portals...off-panel.
9) Imperiex learned that dressing up like Galactus doesn't make you more cool with the cosmic gods, it just makes you a wannabe.
10) General Zod and his mysterious crew learned that the best laid plans of cool new super-villains can be utterly hijacked when the summer crossover comes a knockin.
11) Superman learned that flying into the sun will cause him to dispense with personal pronouns...but won't burn his cape.
12) Supergirl and the members of Young Justice learned what many a character has learned before...that the best way to survive a summer corssover with your dignity intact is to be written by Peter David.
13) The JSA and the Flash found out a new way...be written by Geoff Johns.
14) Aquaman learned that being a 60 year old comic book character and a bona fide member of the Super Friends won't save you from a confusing, ill-conceived "death" scene.
15) I learned to stretch my definition of "War" to include Vaguely Defined Jumbo Kirby Space Gods Who Want to Reboot the Universe and the Killer 13th Generation Uber Robots from the Future Who Oppose Them.
16) Several of America's dead presidents learned to rotate in their graves as their words were applied to contextually innapropriate comic book panels.
17) The vast majority of DC's heroes learned, to their relief, that sometimes they don't have to show up for a cataclysmic battle to save the Earth from big ol' Space Gods from Beyond. Big Barda and the Spectre were particularly pleased, 'cause they were vactioning in the Bahamas and had turned their cell phones off. Boy were THEY embarassed when they finally got home and checked their answering machines...
18) Massacre learned that when you inexplicably return from the dead, sometimes it's best to count your blessings and hightail it out of Dodge.
19) I hope we all learned never to believe the old "you don't need to read the crossovers" line.
20) J'Onn J'Onnz learned that sometimes he'll be unconscious for an entire cross-over event, only to have his telepathic link utilized at the last moment.
21) Sam Lane learned that the White House's last line of defense against killer robots probably should be something more than a couple of old coots flying a nuke.
22) Black Lightning learned he could fly. I'm sure he was quite surprised. Or maybe he was listening to too much R Kelly.
23) The Amazons learned, once again, the meaning of the words "cannon fodder." Zamorans and Oans, safely hidden away, giggled.
24) Darkseid painfully learned that there was a reason he prefered not to get directly involved with these spandex-filled summer brouhahas. Oh, he also learned what the rest of us already knew, that Grayven was a wanker.
25) I learned that some of my favorite writers are capable of getting in *way* over their heads. And that makes me sad.
What have you learned?
Trying to let it all out in one big whinge-fest,
Mike Stemmle,
Lord of the Ducks